Copied this from my myspace blog and myspace is still for perves.
When I was 8, things were way simpler. An ice cream machine was a flipped over big wheel and bad dreams involved Boogie Mans, Ghosts, Aliens or Sasquatches. Now, bad dreams are far worse and consist of myself, Mexcellente and Pinch at a frat party where an old man gives me his cell phone number as I try to leave and tells me to put it in under Herman Hesse so no one knows it's really him. Then, I walk Pinch back to her room and go home. That's the part where I wake up at 4:00 AM and toss and turn for the rest of the morning, pissed that I am going to have to drag through the day supertired. Now, here is my weekend in bulletpoints and this is why you don't want to be me.
Friday, 5:00 PM-Leave work.
-Sam meets me at bar of choice and mentions she hasn't been drunk in a long time. I say it sounds like a dare. We drink shots of Crown Royal until we are semi-blind. The bartender starts pouring Jack Daniels in my beer when I go to the bathroom.
-Dude calls and says that he is going to a metal show in Oakland and he'll pick us up from the bar and take us. We say sure.
-We end up in a car with a German dude who names the Scorpions song everytime Sam whistles one.
-We get to Oakland and everyone in the car pees on the street, practically. We go to the show where the band is so metal that they don't have a bass player. I call one of the guitar players out on it and Sam takes a picture to clown later. She also points out that I am the only one in a white shirt in the club.
-I call my little sister who comes and picks us up in Oakland and brings us back to Palo Alto. We go to other bar of choice and the next thing I know I wake up in my bed and there is a bag of Jack In The Box in my trash. I have no car and Jack In The Box is too far to walk to. So, figure that one out Encyclopedia Brown.
Saturday-JD takes me to my car en route to a horseshoe tournament in Livermore. He points out that he can see my nipples through my wifebeater.
-I drive by my grandma's old house where I spent years four, five and six and also drive past Mr. Goddammit's house since I am in the area.
-Hang out at horsehoe tournament and explain myself to friend's girlfriends and wives. An explanation of my singleness. It feels like everyone feels sorry for me because I don't have a girlfriend or a wife. They shouldn't. Nobody likes to feel like someone feels sorry for them. Personally, it makes me feel like a hobo or something. I Drink lots of water throughout the afternoon and rehydrate
-Take off around 5:00 and go pick up back pack from first bar of choice and go home.
-Watch last two episodes of Battlestar Galactica and sleep at 11:00 PM
Sunday-Get up at 9:00 and talk to mom right when I get out of the shower, while hair dries to the point that it cannot be fashioned. It's gonna be a hat day.
-Clean apartment and vaccuum. The bathroom counter is spotless. Get coffee and paper and plan on just chillin' all day. Maybe do the crossword and cryptoquip. The Sunday Sudoku is too complicated. I really am looking forward to reading an article on soy beans and how they can be harmful if too much is taken into the human body.
-Girl with a boyfriend TMs and wants to ride bikes and get gelato. That sounds good.
-Pappy calls and wants to get a cocktail. That sounds a'ight. I just want to go downtown and get an Oscar Wilde book so all three can be accomplished.
-I call girl with a boyfriend and tell her to make sure she wears undergarments as Pappy will be there.
-After an episode of Always Sunny In Philadelphia, we go to the New New Old Pro and it's closed.
-Plan B is Compadres. After 3 pitchers, the bartendress recognizes me as "You're the guy that was in here and drank an Adios Motherfucker that one night."
-Five minutes after the comment, an Adios Motherfucker shows up at the table. Still unsure if she was trying to hint at me to leave.
-Pappy and girl with a boyfriend call JD to tell him that I am passed out as they joke about how he will never call back. He doesn't. This escalates to saying that they are visiting me in the hospital while I get my stomach pumped. I think it's gone too far and text him that I am okay.
-We move into the bar at compadres after we settle up because it is time for dollar margaritas. What could go wrong?
-At this point some equestrians from Stanford sit down next to me and girl with a boyfriend is annoyed that I am talking to them, at least I think. She reads this so she can give me shit about it. Anyway, girl with a boyfriend clocks me in the jaw while I am smoking.
-Girl with a boyfriend has had it and things are getting sloppy so we scrounge up some cash and call her a cab.
-Dr. Finn, medicine madman, shows up at this point and gets something to eat while Pappy and I are at two dollar margaritas.
-The good doctor drives my car to other bar of choice where we last about long enough to get a quesadilla to bring home to girl with a boyfriend in case she is hungry.
-Pappy passes out on the couch while some shit goes down in the kitchen. I hear Pappy leave and go to sleep.
-I Wake up at four or five with bad dreams.
That's pretty much everything in a nutshell. Hope girl with a boyfriend doesn't get mad about the blog. I also never ended up getting the book or gelato and instead have a sore jaw. Man, I really shit the bed on that one. In case you are keeping score at home, Sunday is not the new Friday either. You can also mark me down with an error.
