What a Sucka Dick

I recently heard/imagined that, Dick Cheney, in lieu of his recent public relations forest fire, planned on giving back to the people by introducing a new forty ounce beer variety. It will be brewed by Halliburton Breweries/Chemical Warfare division, but he had nothing to do with securing them the contract to produce the product. What is it? What makes it special? Well, it is a forty that features lottery scratchers on the label and is to be sold in poor inner-city areas throughout the United States and even Canada. It is to be called Dick Cheney's Blottery Beer.

When reached for comment (imaginarily) Dick Cheney said "I thought that this would be a good way to a) take even more money from the American people while giving them a brief glimpse of hope in the shape of financial freedom and then crushing their dreams of wealth and b) add one more notch on my evil belt." It was then reported that he ate a handful of hundred dollar bills, had the blood removed from an eight year old boy to fuel his black heart and shot someone in the face while kicking a puppy.

In other news, I was hanging out watching TV and my friend who shares my bed from time-to-time in order to be efficient like those that shower together to save water remarked to me that I should have a talk show on TV because I talk a lot and I'm funny. Clearly, the charming things are not annoying to her yet. I sat on that for 12 seconds and imagined how awesome it would be. Here's the plan. Due to my utter self-absorption it would be brilliant and follow the normal talk show formula. I would have a monologue where I talk about what I did in the past 24 hours or week. Then, I would have some celebrities on to be interviewed. Here is where my show is unique. Because I am self-absorbed to the point of nausea to listeners, I turn all of the celebrity stories into stories about me. They end up promoting nothing, feel unimportant and I get to talk about myself. Also, for college students, they could create a drinking game where they take a drink everytime I say "I" and a shot if I ever talk about playing in a band.

I see this as a win-win for the general populous as we take the wind out of the overblown celebrity market and get back to real people that have funny stories about their weird uncle. Only problem would be that nobody would watch, however, that is becoming the mark of brilliance on TV so I'd take that. If you have a high-rated sitcom on TV right now, you are most likely using canned laughter so your retarded audience knows when it is okay to laugh and you are also probably going for no-brainer jokes that are obvious from a setup almost two minutes before you drop the punchline or sight gag. I will miss you so much Arrested Development.

The solution to this is to start funding educational programs at a young age and get the noses pulled out of US, People, and In Style magazines for the girls and I don't know where the dudes noses are, but based on recent research, I don't think it is Cargo magazine.

Recommendations: Happy Tree Friends and Attack of The Show on G4, Blueberries, Battlestar Galactica, Hating on MySpace, but still checking your e-mail, and NoisePop SF 2006.