Sunday Sunday Sunday

So, the plan was to do laundry on Saturday and maybe tidy up the apartment. This is not what happened. I talked to my little sister Saturday morning and she talked me into visiting Pleasanton. So, I called Pappy and told him that I would be crossing the bridge and that we should hang out and grab lunch or something. So we do. I get out to Pleasanton and barter with my youngest sister, who is watching ghost stories on Discovery channel, to watch the Georgetown game until Pappy shows up. we go to the Main Street Brewery, which used to be the Cheese Factory and used to be lame and it still kinda is, but my family met us down there and hilarity ensued. Poor Pappy could have had a chance to finger bang this girl until my family started making fun of her for being stiff and up tight. I will die alone because my family will clown anything I bring home...ever. Anyway, $300 bar tab later, Pappy and I split off and went to explore the Pleasanton night life. As it turns out, there isn't one. Strollers, soccer teams and wine tasting. That is Pleasanton. We did manage to end up at the Sunshine Saloon where you run your ATM card through a credit card machine and a guy you went to high school with gives you twenties out of an envelope. I felt like I was in Mexico for 42 seconds.

So, I wake up on Pappy's couch Sunday morning and give him a ride to his car. We've been here before and this is not a situation that you ever want to be in. On the way, I convince Pappy that he loves concept albums, slow cooking and James Blunt. We grab coffees and walk into the Hopyard, San Ramon. We are supposed to be getting a salad, but as soon as I finish my coffee and a Bass is poured for me, I look at Pappy and tell him that I've got a real bad feeling about the day and I should have.

I will die alone, but not because I lack feelings. I will die alone because I fall in love about three times a day. I did yesterday about six times. Pappy and I end up in Foster City drinking vodka, Fresca and cranberry juice. It was a very nice time. It began kinda fence mendy, but we moved past that quickly. Eventually, I had to sneak out of the situation because I work too fucking early for shenanigans on a Sunday. However, it was a very nice use of a Sunday and I never got my laundry done.

Here is what we brought away form those 48 hours:
"Every day is Friday for Kathy"

"Quit being a fucking Paula"

"Dude, you seriously need to ditch that baggage and get over it."

"I have a long leash and a big gap."

"I would be more than happy to get herpes from Noah Lowry."

"Let's go buy lightsabers. They're on sale at Target for $17.99"

Living With The Living

I took an unplanned vacation this morning and slept in until ten. Then, when holding the covers over my head would not change the world, I called my boss and asked her if it was really necessary that I come in. She said yes and the covers really weren't helping. I did discover that you actually can buy sleep in the form of vacation hours while you sleep in on a Friday. It's kind of sad when the e-mail is postmarked at 2:00 AM, though. Oh shit, I think I ate Jack in the Box last night and told all of my secrets to someone while I was drinking. Whatevs. Seriously, if you want to know anything about me put two Ketel and sodas in me and sit me on a bar stool and be kinda cute. It goes like this: "Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah."

Now, I just need to figure out where I got these momjeans that I'm wearing. Irregardless, a few things need to be covered this morning. I actually purchased the new Ted Leo album a couple of days ago. Why? Him and the Pharmacists deserve it. Plus, it spares me the work of going to the show when he is in town and giving the merch guy twenty bucks to clear my conscience. To be completely honest, I was a little let down by his show at Noisepop this year, but there's no denying the guy is good.

First of all, the album is called Living With The Living and is available from iTunes for $9.99, however if you buy it in your local record store...scratch that, those are all gone. Go buy it at Borders for way too much and you get a bonus CD which I don't have. There is a Chumbawumba cover on it that really got the indie writers abuzz. I haven't heard it. So, anyway, the album overall totally goes political, but also has some songs that show the other side of current events and touches on the issue that at the end of the day we are all just people trying to get by. This topic was also explored in the theme song from Good Times and countless Curtis Mayfield songs. Here are the tracks:
1. Fourth World War - Ambience that leads into Sons of Cain

2. Sons of Cain - I'm actually getting bible references now and technically, if the bible is correct we are all children of Cain and products of incest, as well. It's your book, not mine. Good song. This one has been plugging up pipes on the Internet for a while now. He played it live on KEXP. Also, it is not a truck.

3. Army Bound - I think this is a really cool song. The change from the intro to the verse is a trip and makes no sense musically, but totally works. Classic Ted Leo. Sounds like the Pretenders, Joe Jackson and Joe Strummer put into a magic bullet. Listen to this and put on a pair of old Chuck Taylor's and old jeans and gaze at your fucking shoes.

4. Who Do You Love? - Three times in the song you think you are listening to I Fought The Law. I swear. It's cool, though. He mellows out a few times on this album and plays music very soothingly. Always has that rad change to the chorus, though. Always. He's a good writer. He likes to build you up and then drop you down in a very dynamic way. This song has a lot of it.

5. Colleen - Am I seriously going to review this fucking album song by song? So, Colleen, second in a series with Me and Mia from the last album. Ted Leo is now required to write a song about a chick on every album. This song gets your head bobbing, though. Great harmony a la Hearts of Oak Ted Leo. One of the Pharmacists used to be a chick. Good and tasteful guitar solo that works as a song within in song with a beginning, middle and end. That's how you write 'em if you are keeping score at home.

6. A Bottle of Buckie - This song starts out just like the One Who Got Us Out from Shake The Sheets or Don't Fear The Reaper by BOC. A song about hanging out in Jersey and towns where people grew up and visiting old friends. I'd imagine there is a sage-like older gentleman somewhere in the song, too. What the f? There is a penny whistle in the song. Yep, there's the sage-like dude at 1:52 in. Cool song, though. It goes on your chill out mixtape to impress the chick who works at Borders and reads Bukowski. The mixtape is so back, by the way, in the form of an iTunes playlist.

7. Bomb.Repeat.Bomb - Is fuuuuuuuuuuucking awesome. This is worth the price of admission. It starts out all disjointed with over the top messages about the war that could be taken as satire or dogma depending on the color of your state and education level. The song builds around the people who say "Just bomb the fuck out of 'em" without really thinking it through. On the other hand, it expresses how fucked up it is that so many kids are getting killed on the ground over there. Anyway, no soapboxing today. Serious, when it goes from the scratchy guitar to the big chorus, I almost tear up. I had sex once. Seriously, only once and when my counterpart got to where she was going, she started weeping. It was super weird, but the memory sticks with me. Crying and sex. Nuts and Gum. Orange Juice and Toothpaste. Think about it.

8. La Costa Brava - The album is pretty strong right here. Awesome song to listen to on a beach in Mexico. The song just cruises along and says take a breather and forget about the crap on the news everyday and just slow the fuck down. There is a reason that you get out of bed everyday and there is good in people and peace out there if you can find it. I like this one. It also sounds like a really good burrito. You should really visit that link right there.

9. Annunciation Day/Born On Christmas - What's up poetry slam guy? Oh, it resolves like a goddamn Queen song 55 seconds into it. Holy crap, this is a Queen song for a minute. I like that. Freddie Mercury was the coolest gay guy ever and you can quote me on that. John Oates is the second coolest. Short and sweet. This song is cool, it could have been expanded on.

10. The Unwanted Thing - I hated this song live. His guitar tone kills on this song. It's a semi-hollow Gibson played through a Fender Blackface and I'm going to guess a small stone phaser. I could be wrong, but I really like it. There's got to be someone doing the paw on a keyboard behind it, too. This song has a time and place, but it's not here and now. There is a whole vacation vein of music on this album. It's a good song, it's just not my thing.

11. The Lost Brigade - This song gets all Camaro rock at the beginning. This is very 70s rock and has a little more studio magic than previous albums. This song moves. It feels like you are on a treadmill when you listen to it. This has gotta be what a dog feels like with its head out of a car window. It's because there are accents on the upbeats. Really cool bass line on this one. They are definitely channeling some Blue Oyster Cult right here. Totally random note, but wouldn't it be awesome if they based a movie on the Atari game Defender? It would be like Choplifter in space. So sick. Choplifter you will not be forgotten.

12. The World Stops Turning - Thin Lizzy. Straight up. Boys Are Back in Town. No brainer. Changes it up in the chorus. Good chorus. Bridge brings it down. Name drops pricks and hacks. This is a good one. Seriously, writing about every song is so excessive and unnecessary, but I'm on 12 out of 16, so I have to finish. Ted Leo has mastered writing guitar solos that are tasteful. There is one on this song.

13. Some Beginner's Mind - Ted posted a bunch of practice sessions for the album on his site, so this has been on the Interwebs, as well. His voice sounds like The Outfield on this song. It makes me think of Josie. It's got that epic bass drum drone at the beginning paired with chords that have to be played with Pete Townsend pinwheels. It's a'ight.

14. The Toro and the Toreador - I thought it might be about a Toro lawnmower, but it's not. This song does not rock, but if you are into tremeloed out guitars and crooning, this song is for you. He says animus in this song. Gets kinda Beatlesy on this one two minutes into it. It might not be that bad. Oh, wait for it...it started rocking.

15. C.I.A. - This is the first time I've gotten this deep into the album. One word for this song: Guantanamo. Very simple song built mostly to support a message of thoughtful and insightful lyrics. Ted Leo has a fuckin' message.

16. The Vain Parade - Lo-fi. Sounds like an old Samhain recording, production wise. Like a boombox. 1970s reggae on an acoustic guitar. Cool, though. Good way to wrap up an album. It fades into a barrage of noise and distortion.

So, that's it kids. I'm wiped. I have nothing to say anymore. The album is worth buying and I'm sure as I listen to it more, the lyrics will give me more messages. This album did not jar me like Shake The Sheets and Hearts of Oak did, but that may be because I'm building up a tolerance to Ted Leo. It's comparable to the first time I heard Pet Sounds or East bay Grease. It's a life changing event that can never be recreated.

Update: Bomb.Repeat.Bomb video on Pitchfork.

Escape From The Island of Misfit Toys

At all of my jobs 'cept one of them, I have looked around and been like "Do I really belong here?" "Are these my peers?" "Would this be my jury if I ever did anything wrong?" This is hard sometimes and eventually I decided that to be a giant easily you must surround yourself by midgets. It seems I've done that, in some cases, or at the very least in my mind I have. In social situations, if the conversation is weak, unchallenging or uncompelling, I will often just turn out mine own lights by way of a brown bottle somewhere, however at work you can't always do that. Well, I guess I could when I did PR, but not in my current position. Also, not in my current frame of mind.

Anyway, my boss, which was one of the main reasons for staying in my current occupation announced her resignation today and will be gone in a month. Now, not only do I feel like I'm on an island, but my name is, in a box on an org chart, on an island. This is not a good thing, so I have been forced to start lashing together my raft to escape the island and find a new job, possibly. My job is safe, but I fear for my sanity if I stay. It's basically throwing your hands up to everyone that you have tried to help, that throws your face into some kind of work-fueled filibuster by dragging their feet, that they win. It's pretty much the mom telling her kid in the toy aisle, "Fine. I'm leaving. You can stay here if you want that toy so bad."

Now, I'm just trying to figure out what I do and how well. I'm not feeling superemployable in a cut and dry way because I've done a little bit of everything in my current job. Yes, there are databases and pop-up blockers and Visio diagrams. There are business processes, validation reports and ad hoc query creation, but what does it all amount to? I'm not sure.

Also, looking back at all of the previous jobs and realizing what a long trip it has been to here is kind of weird. It brought up this horrible memory of being in an Oracle SQL class on Valentine's Day which was my anniversary at the time. First and only one was that year and I think we ended up staying in and having a nice dinner, but I remember just feeling wore out and unhappy, but going through the motions anyway. As it turned out, so was she. The whole memory is just so depressing somehow and speaks volumes about this job. The last two years have been very difficult and unrewarding much like the relationship.

Anyway, the whole experience is pushing me back into a bunch of books to sharpen my skillset and be a badass, but it's overwhelming to take on all at once and sometimes I just shutdown before I can even begin. Regardless, it should be an interesting month coming up. I'm sure it won't be boring, so I've got that going for me.

In Case you Forgot

Electric by The Cult is a great friggin' album. It's when Rick Rubin turned them into AC/DC kinda, but it's sick. With all of the emo shit I've been listening to lately, it's very refreshing to just hear some rocking. Ozzy works, too. In fact, LA Guns works, but I'll never say it to your face, however, AFI sounds a ton like LA Guns to me, so it must still be relevant. Anyway, this is just a reminder to not forget and yeah, Ian Astbury sounds a ton like Jim Morrison and there is even a song called Peace Dog to compare to Peace Frog by The Doors, but Stone Temple Pilots did fine when they sounded just like Pearl Jam on their first album and for all the old timers don't forget those faux-zeppeliners Kingdom Come. I think Kingdom Come may be huge in Germany.

Just a reminder.

Freak Job

Something tells me that this woman spends a lot of money on peanut butter every month.

Owner Says Dog Saved Her With Heimlich - Yahoo!

Cynical Depression

I made my first American Idol text vote last night and just felt dirty. It has a lot to do with Vote For The Worst and how much I hate the show now. I want to see it turn on itself. I want to see it destroy and mock itself. I actually even watched last night's episode and it's really a karaoke competition gone bad. As I sat there, though, and thought about the ramifications (and ramekins since I was near the word in the dictionary) of this movement, I realized i might be making a huge mistake and inadvertently giving in.

When better than thou hipsters start turning against schlock and mobilize on the Internet you get situations like Snakes on a Plane and "Are You Smarter Than A fifth Grader." It starts off funny as we marvel at the lameness of an idea and watch to see how bad it is. This is the rubbernecking of the media. The only problem is that marketers find and analyze this audience. The step that follows is the strategic targeting of that audience and then congratulations, you and your Internet movement have just lowered the bar to make horrible standard. This makes the way for Deal or No Deal and pretty soon "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up behind My Back."

The gist of my argument (if it could even be called that) is that the consumer should ultimately have the power and if not funded, any idea or concept should sink. This is totally moot when it comes to Jennifer Lopez. She must have given pints of blood to the devil or have some serious dirt on her publicist because she has no right to even be a part of pop culture. One word: talentless. So, anyway, if you pay your ten dollars to go in and clown on a movie, you've just helped produce the next shittier one. If you buy the Daughtry album to leave in your co-workers office so that you can walk in and go "Oooh. What's this CD co-worker?" in front of everyone in your office, you've just bought that douche bag lunch.

So, as I push that talentless piece of poo, Sanjaya through to the finals, I will feel a bit dirty, but hope that eventually the public between California and New York will have some kind of idea of what's really been going on the whole time. Taylor Hicks? American Idol? Give me a fuckin' break. The only thing similar between him and Elvis is maybe weight and age. It was a joke.

And Ryan fuckin' Seacrest...I gotta work.

Update: Addenda Sanjaya article on Yahoo!

For When you Don't Want to Work...

Trivial Pursuit (R) Bring on the 90s Test your 90's knowledge in this special version of the popular trivia game.

This morning, this is a godsend. I'm currently suffering from a slight accidental Acetaminophen Overdose and am watching my cheeks get progressively yellower. It's really weird and sucky. I read the short article on it and it said something about immediate help, but I think I'll just go check eBay for a new liver. Apparently, the yellow lets you know that the Acetaminophen has turned toxic and is attacking my liver. So, I've gone from hay fever to yellow fever in a week all in the name of sleep. Awesome.

It may work out, though, because I want to write a profile of Mario Cipollina, the bass player of Huey Lewis and The News and if I can't get back to work, I just might do it. In the meantime, get your Trivial Pursuit on and thank me later.

Lego My Ego

Slipped and slightly sprained my ego last night so bad.

The day started pretty normal. I've had horrible allergies so I was up at 8:00 in the morning on Sunday and took a Claritin and ran to Target to buy household sundries and two bags (I put two back) of Starburst Jellybeans. I was supposed to go get an oil change and do some laundry, but the day took an unexpected turn. My mom said she was going to come out to visit, which is pretty nice since she was obviously slumming it up in Palo Alto by not hanging out at my sister's place in the Marina. Duh, it's way nicer there. It went from that at 10:00 AM to my sister, her boyfriend, my stepdad and lil Charlie coming over to visit. We hung out a bit at my apartment and T came over and I gave Charlie a soccer ball. She's a dog and she's English, so she immediately referred to the soccer ball as a football. It was embarrassing.

My sister took off and I went to lunch and basketball with my parents and T. We drank two pitchers and a couple Beerzookas and bumped into friends from college. I got attacked by some dude on the back patio about three hours into the blotto Sunday. It was super weird and uncomfortable. Some dude decided to bear hug me and start punching me in the arm. My immediate reaction was to punch him in the face, but when I looked at his eyes I thought he might be retarded. So, instead, I just let him beat up on me a little bit and then he goes "Hey dude. Do me a favor." And I said "What" to be nice. Then, I look down and he is taking a piss underneath the table in the middle of the patio. I went inside and talked to one of the bartenders to find out if the guy was retarded in an effort to to hedge my bets. She said that he was just wasted and just then he pulls up out in front of the bar in his car bumping techno to wave goodbye to everyone. What a fuckin' freak.

So, anyway, my parents peeled off and we had a few more drinks with my friend from college and his roommate and went to another bar where my old neighbor recognized me. This is your instant replay slo-mo of my ego bruise. I had seen her a couple of weeks before at a bar and it was obvious that she wasn't engaged to her fiance anymore and she was kind of cute with a twist of nerdy. So, I thought about it for a second. Then, she started talking to me and introduced me to her friends she was with. One guy had a hook arm, so I'm thinking "Wow. Might have a chance if she is into dudes with hooks for hands, however she might have a pirate thing and then I'm done. I've got nothing." So, then the conversation gets weird and she starts talking about how I was an addict when we were neighbors. I'm not a drug addict in anyway. I have credentials on that subject. Drink a bit? Yes. Drugs, not really.

So, at that point, I'm flabbergasted and just like whatever. So, the night persists and as we are leaving she is sitting in the corner of a dive bar reading a book. I asked her what it was and she would not tell me. So, then I said "Fine." "Show me a page and let me see if I can tell you what book it is." She wouldn't even show me a page. It was probably Harry Potter. Anyway, she looks at T, the girl I was with, and goes "Are you into girls?" T saw my face and removed me from the bar because I was about to go apeshit at that event. I'm still a little pissed off and have dedicated my social life downtown to making this woman's life as difficult as possible. It's a little vindictive, but I feel it's my duty. Dude, if you are into chicks and dudes with hookarms, that's your deal, but at least let me see what you are reading.

Then, in the cab on the way home, T made sure she let me know that she could have taken that girl home without trying and I would never. I guess moments like that need to happen every once in a while to keep you humble, but they are not enjoyable. No.

Hay!

As I sit here wallowing in my misery, I started wondering why people stopped getting Hay Fever. The last reported case I remember occurred while I was rocking Out Of The Cellar by Ratt on my waterproof Sony Sports Walkman and most likely had a Vision Street Wear Gator hip pack on. That's just a guess. Anyway, it was my neighbor and he used to get really bad hay fever.

So, anyway, was there some kind of vaccination that got handed out where people don't get this anymore? Is there still a "haying season" and if so, when does it occur? And, how did I get hay fever if no one else gets it anymore. I'm that retro, I think. So, hipster that I don't get allergies anymore, I get hay fever. I'm bringing hay fever back the way JT did with sexy, although Prince claims that it was never gone because he was still sexy and therefore if it had never left, how could JT bring it back. If A+B=C then C+B=A. That sums that up.

Check out the link to the info about hay fever in your day to day struggle to be smarter than a fifth grader. After all, at the end of the day isn't that what it's all about? Be smarter than a fifth grader and pick out the right briefcases.

Allergiesus Saves

First off, I had no idea that I had allergies until the last couple of days. Turns out that I'm probably allergic to some sort of tree. I, being the genius that I am, started taking cold medicine thinking that that would help and as it turns out. It makes it much worse. I can't move right now.

Total tangent, but my neighbor has been with this married chick for two years now and he's having some kind of argument with her. It's really funny with they have cheating fights about her cheating on him. It's physically impossible or somehow cancels out like two negatives being a positive. She's come by his place like three times this week. The frustrating thing is that he is having a longer more functional relationship than I have been able to create with anything and she's married. I still don't think it could ever be my thing, but my hat's off to it.

Anyway, just a couple of things this barely before afternoon. You should be using netvibes by now. I've been a huge fan of bloglines forever now, but I am slowly moving towards netvibes. It's just way more Web 2.0.

Second thing. I was going through Digg and there was this link to somethingawful with parodies of Choose Your Own Adventure books. It gave me chuckle and I thought I would share.

I need to go be nauseous now.

There Should be a Law (You Assholes)

My new pest is the fuckheads (weird usage) who fill up Crystal Geyser bottles at every drinking fountain at the gym. The Nalgene bottle was slightly annoying, but the Nalgene bottle became a sort of status symbol for a while kind of like the Camelbak did with guys who wear biking cleats. The ten ounce or whatever Crystal Geyser bottle, however, makes me want to kick people in the ass as hard as I can.

The hunched over posture for ten minutes is kinda buggish, but then when you get around and see their concentration face that looks like somewhere between taking a shit and working on a word search and see how hard they are concentrating on getting the tiny stream of water into the tiny hole, you want to start kicking in the ass. Or, at least I do.

I thought I would acclimate to it and get used to it like how you get used to the guy in the cut-offs and no sleeve shirt and gloves at the gym. Or, guys with tribal arm band tattoos everywhere. This one hasn't gone away and I've given it a month. I guess the tribal armbands one hasn't either. Then there's socks and Teva guys. They still piss me off, too. Okay, fine. I've gotten used to people that like 24 and even don't lash out at people when they talk about Deal or No Deal. It's a work in progress.

All I have to say is that there should be a law against yooge people in spandex at the gym and these fucking bottle dwellers.

Rock And Roll Hall Of Booshit

I went pseudo-Kenobi this weekend which consisted of getting major yeah-yeahs out on Friday night astride my trusty Schwinn Heavy Duty. I wasn't even going to touch my car this weekend if I had a whiff of alcohol. Checkpoints and whatnot intimidate me. So, anyway, got pretty much blackout on Friday and was swept up by an enabler who cared for me and got me home with my bike and everything. I must have been a raving asshole and I kind of feel sorry about that, but let off all of the steam that had built up. So, needless to say, I missed St. Patty's day pretty much and am totally okay with it.

So, that puts me at St. patty's day which was spent laying by the pool with my iPod finishing up The Odyssey finally.

My complex pool is poor socially. To tell the truth, I don't even know what everyone is saying most of the time and they could be talking trash about me in Spanish, Portugese, Japanese and Chinese for all I know. I've learned the International sign for small Asian kid drowning, though, and have had to pick one or two out of the pool before.

So, I sat there for about three hours in and out of consciousness, developing a red stripe across my stomach. It's one of the disadvantages of being single. Hetero dudes do not know how to apply sunblock to themselves. I even managed to sunburn the rim of my belly button. It was a nice time, however. I woke up about 4:00 PM and went back to my apartment and showered. I was couchridden for the rest of the night and again was in and out of consciousness until I woke up and saw that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony was on and I remembered that Van Halen was inducted, so I watched intently, hoping for a glimpse of all that is "Diamond" David Lee Roth.

Keith Richards was inducting The Ronettes, which was pretty cool. Then, The Ronettes got up and performed a couple tunes with a stand-in Ronette for the performance and oh, there's fucking Paul Schaeffer and the Letterman band playing everything. Nothing against him, but Paul Schaeffer is fucking annoying. At this point, I was like "Oh Fuck. Is Paul Schaeffer and his band going to play Van Halen covers with a horn section?"

So, a few more inductions take place including Zach De La Rocha inducting Patti Smith and sneaking in a denunciation of George Bush and his "illegal war." I'm a fraud because I never got into Patti Smith, but her first album came out the year I was born. I should probably catch up on some of it, as she was so humble and sweet in receiving her induction and then shot out bolts of energy with her performance.

The queen of soulfood got up and sang for way too long. She bugs. At this point, I was wishing I had started the show late and could fast forward and also craving a gravy and tonic.

So, I think Van Halen was next and before they went to the commercial break, the crowd camera showed Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar. Wha!?!?!?!?! I started bracing myself for disappointment the way I should've before I ever said "I Do" to anything and then also as I will when I am in line for The Transformers movie in July. Aim low.

Velvet Revolver comes out to induct Van Halen. First question: Where the fuck is Gene Simmons to induct them as he financed their first real demo? Second question: Who is going to perform the Van Halen tunes? After Zach De La Rocha's eloquence inducting Patti Smith, the Velvet Revolver microphone hot potato came off like a shitty International Business presentation in college...that I gave wasted with my very disappointed group while leaning on the blackboard. I got a C on it.

They finish and then VH1 showed clips of Velvet Revolver massacring, in a way of desecration, "Ain't Talking 'Bout Love." It was horrible. Then, they covered "Poundcake?" No, it was "Runaround" off of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge and it was barely recognizable. I was just staring at the screen with my jaw on the floor. Then, they showed Sammy Van Hagar and Michael Anthony accepting the induction. It was like the Wonder Twins accepting something for the Super Friends or Janet Jackson accepting an award for Diff'rent Strokes. Just wrong. Michael Anthony even said this: "This also goes out to Gary Cherone because he was a part of Van Halen, too." Or something like that. First of all, Sammy Hagar shouldn't even be up there because he is not even eligible as part of Van Halen to be inducted. Second of all, nobody even noticed that Van Halen made an album with Gary Cherone and then was dropped from their label soon after. Beyond that, Gary Cherone can be indirectly blamed for Eddie being in rehab. The rest of the blame would rest on Eddie being crazy as fuck.

After that travesty, VH1 showed Sammy wearing an OU812 t-shirt underneath a blazer and I just thanked god he didn't have on his off-red (rocker) Cabo Wabo puffy pants on while he performed "Why Can't This Be Love" with Paul Schaeffer and his band. It finally did happen. Paul Schaeffer's horn section was playing Van Halen. Through all of this, were The Atomic Punks not available and would it be wrong to have a tribute band play rather than a band giving tribute?

So, next was R.E.M being inducted by Eddie Vedder who was very humble and eloquent like Zach De La Rocha and it was a really nice speech. It just made me think of listening to Document and Murmur over and over again on tape and that I should really put them on my iPod. Before they got with shiny happy people, they were at the very least, extremely influential and need to be heard to understand our generation's musical vernacular. They are unhateable. They also performed with their complete original lineup except for Eddie Vedder singing parts of "Man On The Moon." It was almost goosebumpable and it's why you watch this type of thing.

Irregardless, I'm assuming the Van Halen debacle is why I'm having extreme insomnia lately. Back on the Tylenol PM again. Thanks Van Halen. I mean the fucking network is VH1 as in Van Halen #1. It's just inexcusable. There wasn't even fottage of David Lee Roth via satellite while he rode a unicorn on the moon, which I guarantee you he was doing at the time.

Housekeeping...

...or posting a blog in 11 minutes.

Here are some of the search entries that got people to the blog. Some of them are also possible band names.

1. Hugh Voltage
2. drive thru headset in n out
3. hughvoltage
4. drinking green tea while taking welbutrin xl
5. maxim what was I just talking about?
6. l5 vertebra sex testicle
7. Neutrogena Age Fighter
8. skate to create bones brigade
9. Johnny Rad skate and create
10. skate wheels

Band name: L5 Vertebra Sex Testicle
Album Title: Drinking Gren Tea While Taking Welbutrin XL

Virtual Miscellanity

I think I may have a crush , regardless here is soundtrack for a crush that I'm way too old for (not in a Megan's Law way or anything) and a kickass recommended playlist for a little over an hour of life:

1. The Shins - Split Needles
2. The Decemberists - We Both go Down Together (Live)
3. Frank Black and The Catholics - All My Ghosts
4. Jeremy Enigk - City Tonight
5. Silversun Pickups - Checkered Floor
6. Radiohead - Polyethylene (Parts 1 and 2)
7. Portishead - All Mine
8. Trail of the Dead - Wasted State of Mind
9. Minus The Bear - Women We Haven't Met
10. Jason Falkner - My Lucky Day
11. The Rentals - The Cruise
12. Arctic Monkeys - Mardy Bum
13. Hot Hot Heat - Oh Goddammit
14. Placebo - Infra-Red
15. Maximo Park - Limassol
16. Earlimart - We're So Happy
17. Pinback - Tripoli
18. Death Cab For Cutie - We Looked like Giants

I'll try and get these up more so that you know what you should be listening to. It's the least I can do. Seriously, the least.

Still Here. Still Queer. Get Used To It

I just wanted to check in with myself here because I hadn't posted in a while. To tell you the truth I didn't have a lot to say and I had been busy preparing for a presentation at a conference where I got all professional on their asses...and then turned back into the usual buffoon. Here are some quotes from others that can summarize the events that transpired.


"Seriously, quit talking to her or we'll lose our discount."

"Is that your boss over there, dancing with that dude?"

"The guy with the earring and the baldhead has the biggest crush on you."

"Jauge, there is 5 minutes until our presentation is supposed to start. Do you have the presentation and where are you?"

"You were in my dream last night and all of these good things would start to happen and then you would appear as the devil. No offense."

"What is your problem with breeders?"

"You watch Battlestar Galactica? That is seriously one of the nerdiest things I have ever heard."

Okay, next thing is that Lost sucks balls now. It feels similar to the Matrix trilogy. First one, you are like oh my god. Second one, you are like, okay they can still pull it off with a dark horse move. Third one, you are like Aw crap, what a colossal waste of time. Well, Lost is there. They are dragging out the story to sell commercials and that's when things get bad. I'll start citing examples of suckage when I have more time. I'll tell you what, Twin Peaks it is not. Twin Peaks didn't even fake like it was going to give you answers to any questions, though. Wait, have I made a horrible mistake?

Last thing, with the improved weather, I'm pulling Captain and Cokes out of the closet. With a lime squozen they really spice up day drinking.

And the last last thing is that Andy Barker, P.I. is fucking great and you should have watched the MTV cut of Awesometown by now. And for the haters, Andy Richter Controls the Universe is still brilliant in my eyes.

Enjoy the youtubage while you can. Ass, Gas, Grass or Cash; no one rides for free. I have a feeling youtube is going to follow the same business lifecycle that Napster did. It will go from something free and cutting edge and awesome to a regulated piece of shit ruined by corporate America. Also, it might get Google's stock price to a number that reflects their real value. There is no excuse, the story was told a 6 years ago yesterday and we've seen it before, so buy the Civic before you lease the 5 series, dummy.

All typoss and missspellings are the fawlt of work right now. I didn't have time to edit or put ingood links.

Going Kenobi

I sat around Sunday and thought about stuff at length. I got bored of that and grabbed the wrong file from work, so I watched Star Wars. It's what nerdy dudes do on nice days. As I watched and thought about the whole dubtrilo (Double Trilogy), I had a slight epiphany about Ol' Ben. Here it is:

Obi-Wan Kenobi came up in the Jedi game pretty legit and everything was going fine until his teacher died. We'll call this traumatic event number one. He worked through it and grew a beard and found some old friends to help him get through it. He didn't really have any family that was mentioned in any of the movies. Why did I never realize that before? I totally understand, though. you would think that after his teacher died, he would be able to go to his dad and work out some of the emotional baggage that he was holding. That's really weird. The only person that had a dad in the whole dubtrilo was Luke Skywalker and then Leia in Jedi. So let's sum up stage one of Kenobi. He is doing all right after a traumatic event, family isn't really there for him, but he has some friends to kick it with and he grows a beard. Things could be worse and he wil keep on keepin' it on.

Stage two is when he starts kicking it with Anakin Skywalker. He pretty much hangs with him 24/7 while they both work on getting better at the force. Anakin hooks up with a chick and starts acting weird. Eventually turning into Darth Vader and trying to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi. That is not a good friend. Obi-Wan hacks him up a bit and saves Vader's babies. So, this is the second traumatic event: stage two of Kenobi. Still pushin' along, but it's getting a little more complicated than it's worth.

So, now Obi-Wan is running out of people to kick it with. His best friend is "dead," Yoda moved away, and all the other Jedis are dead or have joined the order of the wine and stroller crowd. So, now Obi-Wan goes underground and decides that it's just not worth the investment of time anymore, so he moves out of town and quits returning phone calls. In fact, he doesn't even really bring his celly out with him anymore. What's the point? He starts hanging around the house in his robe and occasionally going down to the Cantina. Did you notice how well they knew him down there in Episode IV? When that dude told Luke he didn't like him, Ol' Ben just handled things and no one said a word. Obviously, not the first time it's happened.

So, Ben just kicks out the rest of his life until his ol' buddy Vader fucks him over on the Death Star, but he knew it was coming and he got his kicks in while he could. So, going Kenobi may not be that bad. I'm probably going to get sued for this and can't even post a pic of Ol' Ben for fear of Lucasfilm.

Monkey Magazine

I despise the Maxim Man with the armband tattoo in the bar, especially if he is with a cute girl, but my hat is off to Dennis Publishing and their Monkey Magazine. They may have created the Maxim Man, but their new magazine is pretty neato.

I don't remember how I found this, but I'm a huge fan. The interface is really cool the way it flows like a magazine, but each section can be drilled down or links to something. Give yourself a second and try not to get frustrated. It's one click to zoom back out and to turn the page just click the bottom corner when the page starts to pull back.

There's one drawback in that it's a little cumbersome to grab this and take it into the bathroom, but for sitting down at your coffeetable it's pretty cool. It's also very Euro because it's from England, so there is Wayne Rooney rather than Payton Manning coverage. That sucks for the Maxim man, but he will be cool with it because the girls get topless. It might be time to move to England. I just don't want to move there until I learn their language. I'll start with bollocks.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!

Boing Boing posted a link to a news story on a bipedal dog. I normally don't make it to video stuff, but i was interested to see how this worked. It was vomit inducing amazing. I didn't know whether to be sick or impressed. It looks really weird, especially a minute in to the video where it looks like the dog is checking pay phones for forgotten change with its no arms.

Here's the link. Armless Dog

Bones Brigade

The question of "What came first? Ban This or Public Domain." came up the other day with someone and they said "God, they gotta put those movies out on DVD." They are on DVD and not enough people know. What they really need is a box set with all the Bones Brigades and the soundtrack included. That's right. You can actually purchase the soundtrack with such Johnny Rad hits as "Skate To School" or was it "Skate To Create?" Regardless, by the end of the song, Johnny Rad has convinced me that "skating is guh-rayit."

Some of the stuff will get dated like Tommy Guerrero jumping driveways in the Sunset District on a board that looks like a condom cut out of a piece of plywood stolen from a construction site. Or, you may see a lapper or "The Bird" in the background of some of the scenes or giant two-toned wheels.

On the other hand, you can see the birth of street skating with Rodney Mullen busting kickflips while us kids were doing acid drops and handplants. My final point? Bones Brigade III has the dopest collection of Air Jordan's in it, ever, and also happens to be like the Led Zeppelin IV of skate videos. The Chin ramp scene would be like the "Stairway To Heaven" of skateboard scenes. That may be controversial, but I'd argue it.

Oh, here are the links.

Bones Brigade Video Show (1984)
Bones Brigade II: Future Primitive (1985)
Bones Brigade III: The Search For Animal Chin (1987) SPOILER ALERT! They never find him.
Bones Brigade IV: Public Domain (1988)
Bones Brigade V: Ban This (1989)

Bones Brigade Video Tunes

Speak & Spell & TV Hell

This is fun. Click on the pic to go speak n spell. This could come in handy for anyone stupid enough to be on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. Jeff Foxworthy and stupid whitetrash. Hmmmm. Add corndog and it would be just like being at the Alameda County Fair when a Garth Brooks impersonator is the main stage entertainment.

When I saw the commercial during the OC finale (No Judging), I looked at a picture of my family and I in the future (timetravel) and I started to disappear from the picture like the McFlys in Back To the Future...and then my handed started turning transparent...and then the music of Huey Lewis filled my head and I stopped being angry by thinking about the Power of Love. What was I just talking about?

You Gotta Work

Some work gripes this morning...afternoon. I didn't know that it was noon already. There is a person at work that schedules me in meetings to the point that sometimes it is hard to get stuff done. It would be no problem if we were getting stuff done, but it seems to be just a reason to go through Powerpoints and play pretend business. I was sitting in one this morning and it hit me of what it was starting to remind me of: fucking tea parties with my little sister growing up.

Little girls have tea parties. I have four or five sisters, so the seat gets put back down, I reference toxic shock syndrome and I know when to just leave something alone on a monthly basis. They all hit it at the same time for a while and it was a fucking war zone in the house growing up. I also have good produck in my shower and I am very comfortable with panties in the laundry without being too comfortable in a pervy trenchcoat kind of way. I wonder if kids have green tea or soy latte parties now.

Anyway, being in these meetings feel the same way that that did. You are kind of humoring the person in charge of the meeting and writing down notes that you will most likely throw away when you get back to your desk. It's a lot like drinking water out of tiny cups at a tiny table with your little sister while you stick your pinky out. I can't believe she was going off about how horrible I was to her yesterday at my niece's birthday. Yes, she was duct taped to the refrigerator one day and repeatedly thrown off of our loft onto a pile of pillows, but everything was methodically planned ahead of the time and she was never in harm's way. I guess I used to hide her in my hockey bag from my mom, too, but that was just a game that we played.

This morning in the meeting I noticed that I avoided eye contact with anyone in the meeting at all costs and just stared down intently and jotted down some things a for a presentation that I have to give in San Diego (4 vistors from SD to the blog in the last week, that's a shoutout) in a couple of weeks. So, we got our agendas with 13 points and 13 sub-points outlined on them to inventory some things in a particular building at work. It should have had one point that said "Inventory Things," but instead it's been spread out into two months of meetings when I could have carried out this task on a Saturday morning in the time it would take to drink a cup of coffee.

The king of the "teaparty" is dubbed Project Manager and I am part of the "Steering Committee." I went to that link right there and read the first line of my new responsibilities and lost interest. It sounds really nautical, but I didn't see anything about sterns, afts, rudders or pirates, so I'm not really interested. Don't you have to have an inkling of desire to be on a committee? I was never asked to be on this committee nor told that I was on it until I saw it in the agenda. What if NAMBLA was like "we are pleased to inform you that you are now a member of our esteemed association?" Or worse, the Republican party. Fuck that, there are rules.

Because of this involuntary assignation, I am actively boycotting this steering committee through a barrage of disinformation consisting of opposing committees and groups that I am already a member of. I'm also getting endorsements from allied committees such as the IBTC and the OHPGC. That is a pretty deep cut inside joke right there.

Anyway, I guess I'm just bitching about a colossal waste of time and a dislike of people going through the motions of working without actually doing it. Sometimes it's just better to shut up and finish your shit rather than creating ppts and agendas with bulletpoints and pulling people away from doing work so that you can avoid it yourself. I don't play well with others.

I'm such a hypocrite. I just wrote this while everyone else was probably working and now I have to sit here to try and figure out why the traits that I abhor in people the most are the traits that dominate my personality.

YouTubed

Found this when I was YouTubing friends' names. The title is Teachers Rap About Teaching High School. It came after watching the Mini-Mall Rap commercial and Ms. Peachez. Add her as a myspace friend. There is a little Mr. Belding to one of those dudes in the video.

Oh fuck it. Here's Ms. Peachez with "In Da Tub."

Karaoke pwn4ge

Last night after work I felt that I needed to let off a little steam. After two drinks, I went home and changed and walked to my local bar in the rain. It was like a fucking truck stop mixed with the cantina from Star Wars. Just a bunch of craggly fuckers sittin' around talkin' about how they couldn't find jobs so they were going to move to Southern California to find some work. It was like a knockoff version of Grapes of Wrath. It would be called Raisins of Ire.

Anyway, I had a beer and put in a ton of music in the jukebox and played music trivia for a bit. Then, the karaoke guy rolled in. I felt obligated to sing some Van Halen because I bugged him about getting some in his book forever. Dude, now he has...Oh, I also got into a "Don't Call Me Dude" conversation with some old fucker in the bar last night. I debated and berated until he lost interest. I used terms like American vernacular to scare him away from the argument. Anyway, the guy has everything from "In The Air Tonight" to "Unchained" to probably "Pac-Man Fever" by Buckner-Garcia. Before going to that link you should get a Pac-Man Fever vaccination, seriously.

A few bar friends eventually showed up and the dude who sings Dio and The Scorpions. He is awesome. His wife smelled like weed. The night turned into a semi-bender of Ketel and sodas and I realized I would be late to work the next day right as I got up to sing "Jump" by Van Halen. It's been a while and there may still be a ban on me singing this at the Carlos Club since the fireplace-over the couch-head on ceiling tile incident of the early 2000s.

Well, as luck would have it, there may be another ban on me singing this song at my local bar. It's like a diminished chord in the 14th century or something. So, the song was going fine, my voice was a little blown out, but it was working. I saw a stray chair out of the corner of my eye and kind of maneuvered it away from a table while I did the David Lee Roth shoulder thing a couple of times. It was dark, people weren't noticing what I was up to because I'm like a ninja. Catlike. Then, in that chorus right before the solo, I took a running start and jumped off the chair attempting to do the splits. The chair slid a bit on the tile floor and I don't think anyone knew that there was a ceiling fan in there until my hand hit it and it fired me right back down to the ground, landing flat on my ass.

So, there I am on the ground next to a knocked over chair with some scratches on my hand from the fan and a bruised ass while the karaoke version of the solo is going. It was my Pullitzer moment, the way it epitomized my life at the moment. Go ahead read into that. I realized I looked like an ass, so I got up and propped the chair back up and did two more jumps off of it. I am nursing karaoke-related injuries, however, today.

This is what I do when I should be sleeping.

Dream Police

First off, what kind of place blows cold air into your office in the morning and warm air in the afternoon? It's their fault when I'm not productive because of this.

So, I woke up this morning a little loopy because a)I wake up too early for humans and b)I was up late last night because Lost moved to 10:00 PM. What a shitty episode last night, too.

Anyway, I had woke up with something super funny running through my head, but had no one to tell it to. I didn't write it down and got in the shower and ready for work and it was lost. That's a downside to waking up before your brain has woken up. The next thing that I remembered this morning has stuck with me all day for some reason.

The last dream that I remember took place on my parents' front lawn. I was out front and a monkey smeared in blood fell off of the roof. The blood was clotty and filled the monkeys fur. It looked at me and I somehow knew it had AIDS and was scared to death of it touching me. Then, a crow landed right next to it and I was yelling at the crow to get away from it. The crow looked at me and then stuck it's beak into the monkey and pulled away a strip of bloody monkey flesh. I woke up super scared after that.

The questions are: was it a scene from a David Lynch movie? and Does this mean that I should check out therapy? Regardless, it is still fairly disturbing me all day today.

Boris Vallejo is...

In your Internets. Clogging up your pipelines with centaurs.
Boris Vallejo Gallery

24 Hours x 3

Fuckin' A. In the last 72 hours, chronologically:
-my neighbor showed me two pics on his phone of a lady that he has been having sex with. One was bare boobies and the other one was her butt. He said she said that he could show it to his friends. Whah?!?!?!?
-I dropped the soap in the shower at the gym. It hit the ground, denting one side, and skipped out of the stall. Wet soap is slippery. Pro Tip. I had to reach out to get it and then stood back up, but the standing motion was interrupted by the shower handle smashing my head in. I briefly checked for blood, but had to settle for a lump that hurts any time my head drops below my hips. Don't ask why I am lowering my head below my hips.
-I dropped off my second to last divorce document. I am very close to being a free man. Finally, I can start dating again without legally cheating. I don't drink Cristal, but this may be an event that would be worth it. When I get my Office Depot Divorce certificate, it is going to be a nice day, indeed.
-I saw myself in dark socks and underwear and had the urge to take a picture because I was cracking myself up looking at myself.
-Shaved off a beard that I kind of liked Monday morning. It was really soft and nice. I looked mature.

MedCab For Cutie

I went through the left side of my medicine cabinet to reorganize the stuff chronologically in regards to how I use it throughout the day and decided to document what is in there, as well as why. We will be going from left to right so please follow along. I would really recommend clicking on it and viewing all of the associated notes on my flickr.


1. Right Guard Sport, Active Scent, Gel - This is new and goes on clear, wet and cold. I don't like it, but until recently, I couldn't find my old brand. It went on white and warm and relatively dry. I know where to get the old kind now, so fuck Target for not carrying it.

2. Jack Black Beard Lube - This stuff is really good. I have to slip into the beauty supply store to procure this stuff. I usually grab a thing of rough paste when I'm in there, too. I then have to stash the pink bag that it comes in like you have to stash the black porno bag with gold wine grapes on it that they give you at the liquor store. A couple of the selling points are that it goes on clear, it moisturizes and makes shaving easier. I use the same blade for like two months, so I need really good stuff like this around. It's expensive, though, it ain't Old Spice.

3. Neutrogena Post Shave Lotion - This is pretty standard stuff that can be found at Target when you buy toilet paper and paper towels. It just helps smoove your face a bit before work.

4. Neutrogena Age Fighter Face Moisturizer - Hedging bets and filling crows feet. Mom gave me some good traits and mom and grandpa gave me some nice crows feet. Plus, given the chance to fight anything at 6:45 AM sounds good to me.

5. Vaseline Nightly Renewal - I don't use this much, I think it came saran wrapped to something else when I bought it. I should probably put it in my travel kit.

6. Redken Rough Paste - This is the shit. You have to be careful to not just rub it into your scalp because you will burn yourself because it fucking holds and texturizes. It's a cheaper alternative to Sumo Wax and I know how to work with it. I love this stuff.

7. Bed Head, Hard To Get Texturizing Paste - I use this if I ever run out of rough paste. This produck is more like the paste that you used and may have eaten in kindergarten. Works pretty well and doesn't look to greasy.

8. Tian Wang Bu Xin Dan - My mom gave me this stuff when I was bummed and going through a divorce. I was too stubborn to take any other meds and this may have helped. I looked it up on the Interwebs and it may be helping with nocturnal ejaculate or premature ejaculation, it was a bad translation so I'm not sure. It seems to work when I need it without making me crazy. It's good for my yin apparently.

9. Tylenol PM - Helps me sleep when I can't. I live by a train and some nights it is hard too sleep. Had a few bad interactions with this stuff; you have to be careful. Also, if you are drinking, do not take this at all. Your skin will start to show signs of jaundice as your liver starts to experience some difficulties. I'm not saying that my cheeks progressively started turning orange when I took this for a month or that I would go to work with my shirt on inside out and my zipper down, but I bet it could happen.

10. Multi For Him - Dudes need vitamins.

11. 100% Vitamin E - Dudes need vitamins for their skin. Sometimes it makes my tats puffy.

12. Welbutrin XL - When I was going through a divorce, my doctor gave me sex talks and a prescription for these. He told me that they would make me happy and quit smoking. Because of Aldous Huxley, I thought that it would be cheating to take a pill to be happy and instead chose to roam the earth in search of happiness. I'm not saying it worked, but at least I wasn't cheating and the Tian Wang Bu Xin Dan or a soccer game could usually get me through the day without it. I still smoke, but am working on it. If you want some Welbutrin, let me know. I think there is some Zoloft in my medicine cabinet, too.

13. Flexiril - I slipped a disc in my L5 vertebrae that looks like a bag of heroin in an MRI. Sometimes it blocks nerves to my right leg and makes me really uncomfortable and numb. When that happens, I take one of these and drool and watch children's TV shows. Before I take one, it's like a teenager taking acid for the first time. I get all prepared and have a thing of water close, a remote control, and some trail mix in case I need a snack while I am under. Drop this in my drink and I am yours.

14. Ibuprofen - Also known as Vitamin Saturday. Dudes need vitamins.

15. Motrin - Again, this is related to my L5. When it hurts bad, this makes things feel better. Shit puts me out, though. It's just the same as taking 8 Advil, so you can recreate it without a prescription.

That's it. That's the little man behind the curtain. Screams metro, Doant It?

Santum, Datum, Erratum

Based on those word structures, the plural form of scrotum would be scrota. I only thought of that because I've been sitting in my chair at work smashing mine, unbeknownst to myself, for the last hour and didn't realize it until I got up.

This happens on long drives sometimes. It used to happen between Chico and the Bay Area a lot when I was in a long distance relationship. I would only realize it once I stepped out of the car because my body has not evolved to register the pain of sitting on a testicle for an hour and a half while driving. Someone who knows stuff should probably check out that phenomena, as well as collection of phenomenum. That word might be made up.

In unrelated news, I went to a homebuying workshop put on through work last night and it felt like sitting on the aforementioned for an hour and a half. Does that make it related news? Here is the skinny. I will need to find a second income to incorporate into my life if I ever even think about buying a condo in the area that I like living in. Some would call this a girlfriend or S/O. So, now on top of everything else, a companion needs to be smart, witty, laugh at the right things, stable, possibly English, shorter than me in heels, have good hair, be very quick and resourceful, possibly good at soccer, willing to live with a freak and sometimes wear heels with a bikini. Small things, but necessary.

Add heels and bikini to the phenomenum list.

A few things:
I finally put a copy of Sparta, Threes on my iPod and gave it a few listens. It's pretty good. It's funny how you hear all the At The Drive In stuff missing from The Mars Volta and vice versa. Some of it starts to sound like U2, it's a little weird. Also, I'm still behind and haven't listened to the new Mars Volta, which I heard is a trip.







Also, Silversun Pickups, I'm super late on this, but really dug the single and finally put the whole album on my iPod and listened to the whole thing. Sounds like SDRE in some spots, which isn't a bad thing. Really cool stuff.








Also, there is a director's cut of O Valencia! by The Decemberists on youtube, posted by Pitchfork that is pretty good. It's ten minutes long and I think Crispin Hellion Glover (his web site looks like CrispingLover.com see also TheRapist.com for therapist links) is playing Colin Meloy. Think the Smooth Criminal mini-movie if it was filmed in Portland, OR. Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Kool-Aid Scans

My mom wanted me to scan her a bunch of Kool-Aid packets, but they are getting harder to find. When I was in college, I would by 5 packets for a dollar and drink the shit out of the stuff until I developed an ulcer. It couldn't have been the whiskey and cigarettes,. It had to be the Kool-Aid. Anyway, here's a link to a gang of Kool-Aid Scans on a tripod site. I apologize about that.

Hmmmm. You should have this bookmark.

I just got an urge to listen to Bron-Y-Aur Stomp off of Led Zeppelin III and didn't have the opportunity to go home and reopen the old 4 disc box set, nor do I have Zeppelin III on tape anymore, so I'm very fortunate for knowing about this. Use it while you can, it's 1001 albums streaming from the '50s to now. It's really awesome and super great at work. If you could create playlists or shuffle, it would be better, but it will do for now. Or, if you need work music just put on one of those dentist office stations that plays the same ten songs every hour. I did an internship like that during the Fuel, Puddle of Mudd period and it drove me crazy.

Side Note. Pocket Symphony

As a side note, the new Air album is awesome chill music. Although, it's too cold to go lay by the pool and listen to this while reading some pretentious book amidst flailing kids on floaty toys as a visual; I'll be looking forward to it.

"One Hell of a Party" is really dope. Combining this and Zero 7 would be like combining a Vicodin and a Glennfiddich, over.

Things I Find...Interesting

So, I just went to dispose of cigarette butts in a trash bin in the shopping center of sorrow next to my apartment complex and saw a folded up note on the ground and picked it up. The scan is right there. Dude! WTF?!?!?! It's from a book with a quote by Moses Ben Jacob Meir ibn Ezra. He is a Hebrew philosopher and I couldn't figure out which book it is from. I'm imagining it is a required reading text from a local high school. The degradation of the world is afoot. Here is a list of things related to the shopping center of sorrow:

1. Little kid who rips off the San Francisco Chronicle bin causing them to not put papers in there anymore.

2. Discarded porn DVD covers put in the garbage.

3. A reggae festival ticket stub.

4. Abandoned shopping carts galore.

5. Two RVs that do not move.

6. A chinese food place that you should never eat at.

7. A cobbler/postoffice.

8. A boat with a blue tarp over it.

9. Now, this note.

I think new dishwasher or not, it might be time to plan a move. I've got to sit, though, and wait for some paper work because I found out that in a community property state, it's very hard to get things done when you are legally married. It kind of sucks. So, I will roll my Honda Civic and live in my ghetto apartment amidst the other half. For Lost fans, it's like there is a row of apartments that are ghetto representing the island and two-bedroom, 1.5 Million dollar Eichlers representing the rest of the world. Poverty has never felt so expensive and exclusive.

God, that's a fucked up note.

Since Friday

Went to work Mardi Gras party at Noon on Friday and got back to the office at two. Looked at my computer and decided any shred of productive fire had been doused by two Coors Lights and two Coronas. I was also subtley aware of a new Gluten free beer from Anheuser-Busch. It's called Redbridge and is lumped in with their niche brands. They own everything. Here are some other brands that they make: Anheuser World Lager, which apparently is made here and imported to Europe, I guess. Drink the beer of the country you hate, Europeans. Bare Knuckle Stout is another brand, but I've never seen it. Rolling Rock is in there. Never heard of it. Bud Extra and ZiegenBock are the last two. Since the rediscovery of Lowenbrau, it may be time to seek out and find these wonderful brands, I'm sure. I have fallen in love with Budweiser Select, so I firmly pledge my allegiance to the WifeBeater flag when I'm not drinking Ketel and sodas with lime. So delicious.

Anyway, packed up my office and headed home, stopping to buy some of the aforementioned Budweiser Select, and played some FIFA '07 to get up to date with the current season. I'm playing as Arsenal in Manager mode and I'm averaging about 8 goals a game so I'm going to increase the difficulty level pretty soon to Semi-Pro because that's how I roll. Four beers later, I made plans to go downtown with a friend and hit some of the usuals realizing that if I had one beer, my car was having a slumber party with downtown, so I needed to make sure I didn't park in the Farmer's Market parking lot. A person will do that about once and never do it again. Talked to girls wearing barely anything and managed to offend two or three. One conversation that I'm rather proud of went like this:

Girl: Do you play soccer?
Me: Yes, why?
Girl: Well, you're wearing a soccer jersey. Did you play today?
Me: No, last Wednesday was my last game.
Girl: Are you playing later tonight?
Me: No. (At this point, I realize where she is going and scramble for a comeback.)
Me: Do you plan on having sex later tonight?
Girl: What?!
Me: 'Cuz you are dressed like a slut.
Girl: (Looks at my drinking partner) Your friend is cute, but he's an asshole.

We left after meeting some people from the O.C. (the place where the airport is, not the show) and discussed armband tattoos or something. I'm only pointing it out because I believe that's how one of them described themselves. It was vile.

Went to the English pub downtown and played five bucks of the best jukebox down there while drinking two pints of Boddington's and then grabbed a cab and called it a night.

I was tore up the next day so could not enjoy the beautiful day as I intended and had a search and rescue mission for my car. Organized for a ride and went to breakfast where my skillet with sausage and mushrooms was subbed out for sausage and onions. It was gross, but I got a chocolate milk with breakfast because I realized it had been like three years since I had had a glass of milk and for some reason when the waitress asked, chocolate milk came out. Not out of the waitress and not actual chocolate milk, but the word came out of my mouth to order it.

I went home and watched In the City on BBC America and loved it. It's my new The OC. I'm also realizing that I really want an English girlfriend now. I'll even eat weirdly named English candy and canned meats to get one.

Went to bed at nine and woke up too early on Sunday. Went out to my parents' house for a compilation birthday party for relatives, but I don't remember which one's were having birthdays and gave some old Star Wars toys, in their original packaging, to my nephew. I realized I did not need a lightsaber anymore...unless there was an earthquake and my flashlight was broken. Shit! I might have to go buy a new one now that I thought of that.

Anyway, I've got some Uncle Dean stories on that and a blood on the curb when I drove up story; it was good to see everyone. I'm kind of getting into being an Uncle myself now and don't want the kids to remember me as weird or drunk when they get older. I know why the caged bird sings. So, now I hold them and talk to them and help them out with stuff. We drink root beer together and can hang out now. Dean story and bloody lady story later. I'm seriously about to pee myself.

I'll finish this later. What a waste of a blog.

Don't Ask Why I Think This is Awesome

I'm surprised my family didn't invent this. The divorced ring from the divorced jewelry company. This is a quote from the site " We created a line of rings with a separation in the normal 'never-ending circle'. This symbolizes a point in ones life when some type of separation came, whether by divorce or by the loss of a loved one." To tell the truth, I find it a little morbid, but could respect the idea.

The only thing is that I can't stop imagining some caricature of a cat lady sipping a chardonnay telling her story in a biker bar while trying to get a piece of some construction worker dressed up as a guy on a Harley. Or, for the ladies, Milhouse's dad.

Upon further investigation, there is an apparel section which is sadly lacking a shirt that says "If You can read this, the bitch fell off." I love that shirt not for what it stands for, but for it's lameness. There are shirts that say "Divorce Happens","Divorced and Loving It", and "I Got Out of the Box." Again, a little disappointing that they don't have a shirt that says "Got Divorce."

Just got a lightbulb in my head and these shirts would make for brilliant C-rags. Pro Tip!

New Technique. Take Note.

Leveraging technology to its fullest is how I roll. Consolidation of technology is how I don't roll. I refuse to talk into a PalmPilot because it feels like talking into a banana and makes you look crazy. A bluetooth headset is for in the car by yourself, like singing, because of the crazy factor again. If you walk down the street talking to yourself with your bluetooth on, you should be kicked in the guy balls or girl balls for being a jackass.

I think I'm creating a stance in support of the specialization of tools with one exception in the form of The Leatherman. I think the evolution of cool shit goes like Fire, the wheel, the cotton gin, Swiss army knife, magic shell, string cheese, Star Wars, cell phone in a briefcase and then the Leatherman. The Pontiac Trans-Am and Burt Reynolds fit in there somewhere, too.

So, why was I ranting and tangenting on this? Oh, I got a whiteboard for my fridge and will write stuff that I need to do or pickup at the grocery store, Trader Joe's or hair produck store (do not call it a beauty supply store). It seemed inefficient to write all of it down again, so I take a picture of it with my phone and transfer it via Bluetooth to my laptop at work and then print it out. I think it's quit Brilliente. That's Mexican for brilliant. Here is today's list:

Go Here (Do This)

There is a great art exhibit in Culver City at Corey Helford Gallery. Juxtapoz had something about it in their blog. It's kind of awesome. The concept is to take a paint-by-numbers painting and then paint your own stuff on it. According to the Juxtapoz blog, all the paintings will be put on eBay to be auctioned off for charity. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Holy Snap (Another YouTube moment)

When I first saw The Wall, I was on acid or mushrooms like you are supposed to be. When I first saw Fantasia I was just drunk and I wish that it was more like this:

Genesis Reunion

The Police opened the Grammy's last night and were awesome. No brainer. Yeah, it's kinda the Sting show, but Stewart Copeland is awesome even when he was dressed up like a college history professor into sci-fi and prog rock. Can't wait for that tour.

Then you have DLR (please light the van halen torch RothArmy) back with Van Halen, but how can we ignore the fact that Genesis has reunited and is playing a free show in Rome to end their world fuckin' tour? Here is a little reminder of the genius and absolute distillation of the band Genesis once Peter Gabriel left the band and they had such hits as "Illegal Alien","I Can't Dance", and "Land Of Confusion." We shall not forget. You gotta love the Bugle Boys reference at the beginning of the I Can't Dance video. I think it competed against "Stay The Night" by Chicago at the MTV video music awards that year.

The Weak Minded Exploiting The Weak Minded (American Idol is Back)

The irresistibly, rubber-neck inducing, travesty we call American Idol has started again. Beyond Ryan Seacrest, being more annoying than a dentist performing a job interview with you while he polishes your teeth, I can't figure out if the Paula Abdul (check break.com) mess was just too generate publicity. So, after the show struck gold with its reject editions of the auditions, they now drag it out into two weeks of rejects with a smattering of decent karaoke. Watching misguided and oversheltered people from all corners of the earth...and the Midwest cry is just depressing. Yet, I keep on watching.

Meanwhile, I have my third cold of this year and it's driving me nuts, even though I refer to it as a sever case of allergies at work and then cough all over the people that come into my office to ask me questions. Worst joke ever was overheard at work today and I think it was even said for my benefit. Here it is: " Wow! Paper jam? How about some paper peanut butter to go with that?" It was awful.

Next, I found this pad of paper from when I was off of work for the holidays and it has a bullet pointed list on it.
-Body Double. - I watched this on Comcast On Demand and must say it was awesome. Meleanie Griffith was actually hot at one time and the stalker was the good guy. A murder takes place with a drill and there is a really cool house in the Los Angeles Hills in the movie. It was almost like David Lynch at some points.

-The Odyssey. - I tried reading Ulysses for the second time and got hung up again, so decided to read The Odyssey again to help me understand James Joyce more thoroughly. On top of that, I will probably have to read Gravity's Rainbow again, as both are based on the Odyssey. Gravity's Rainbow is the bomb, yo. It's a desert island book for sure. The reason The Odyssey is on the list, though, is that the mini-series was on the Sci-Fi channel while I was off and I DVRd it and watched the whole horrible mess starring Armand Assante from Fatal Instinct.

-Future World. - Futureworld was awesome. it was what people in the 70s thought the future would be like. The people of the 60s were thinking folding cars, pill meals and Jetsons. The Disco era was thinking about nothing, but clones and theme parks. Look for a young cola-bottled Peter Fonda, Gwyneth Paltrow's mom and Yul Brenner dressed up as a cowboy. We'll also see if it doesn't really happen like The Lorax is going to. This is one of those movies that you have seen in the video store since they were owned by mom and pop's and there were three sections: one for Betamax, one for VHS and one for porn behind some beads. There also might have been a laser disc section.

-Rocky Balboa. - This movie was fucking awesome. Worth ten dollars if you go see it in the movies or happen to know an awards screener and can watch his copy. I felt like a kid watching Rocky IV all over again at the end. While Jason Schwartzman's mom wasn't in this last installment, they added the guy from Heroes, which was pretty cool.

-The Counter. - If you are not eating at this restaurant, you may suck. Burgers, beers, indie rock, sweet potato fries, and shakes with some Bailey's in 'em is delicious. I also talked the bartender into breading me up some pineapple rings and frying them. Different, but genius when paired with an apricot dipping sauce.

-Lightnote Coffee. - While I don't like to reward the elimination of the local coffee house, I do like to reward consistency in a cup of coffee. The temperature has come way down since litigous idiots started pouring coffee in their laps, but some freshly ground Lightnote coffee from Starbuck's is my favorite. As a consolation, I make it at home most of the time, so I get it hotter and for less than $1.35 a cup. Also, their breakfast sandwiches are great for a hangover.

-Rolos. - Santa brought me some and eating one brought back memories of that old Rolo's commercial with Rolos rolling all over the place. Don't forget about the Rolo, lest ye be forgotten. By the way, the commercial link isn't the commercial memory, but you gotta love youtube. Pray with me that youtube does not end up like Napster going from awesome to n'awesome.

I still didn't talk about my new electric toothbrush, my moustache that I grew, or the Aggrolites, but trust me, all were awesome.

Let Me Be The First To Say...

Armed And Famous is awesome. There is only one way that it could be better besides full frontal nudity and that is having Steve Guttenberg as part of the show. Who droppped the ball on that one? They have Erik "Ponch" Estrada on the show so it makes sense. Actually, a step further would be to put together a show just like this called X-Cops and have it be all guys who played cops on TV. I'm kind of an idea guy.

Highlights of the debut episode are as follows:
Jack Osbourne and guns. He's a really good shot.
Latoya calling Jackie and name dropping her bothers including Michael as if he take her call.
Latoya Jackson name dropping Mr. Chou's in the same sentence as Spago.
The super hot cop from Muncie, Indiana that got paired up with Erik Estrada.
The starstruck, crack dealing grandma who keeps calling Erik Estrada Ponch.
Trish Stratus getting tazed. A blind person would get way more out of that scene than I did.

All in all, nobody has pulled a jackass move yet, but we'll see if Tawny Kitaen shows up.

Aluminum Foil Hat Theory #1

First, everyone is talking to themselves at work today. It's a little unsettling and weird.

Second, I have not slept through the night in a while now and wake up super sweaty every night and cold. I'm calling out a Whitley Strieber played by Walkenesque abduction by aliens a la Communion. Super weird dreams, too. This is the part where I wake up tomorrow and refuse to leave my room as I metamorphasize into a giant silverfish.

Third, conspiracy theory #1: The reason that there is always a line in the In N Out Burger drive-thru is because they pay people to sit in line all day to make it look like they are always busy. It's a pretty basic concept that can be seen all over metropolitan areas in the form of the velvet rope. In order to get busy you need to be busy. Nobody wants to go somewhere where nobody else goes anymore. Look what happened to Arby's. So, to the haters who don't believe this to be true, go ahead and sit out there one day and mark down license plate numbers, but I'll let you know ahead of time, that sometimes the drive-thru line new cars are brought in by corporate.

Finally, for the single man's fortress of solitude, a tv that can be tuned in to someone's prescription makes a ton of sense. Yes, when other people came over to visit, it may be polite to dial it in to their prescription, but a prescription tv would be awesome for the individual when watching the shows that he watches when no one else is around.

Vast Indifference

Last week, I found out that I was still "legally" married. It was a little unsettling, but the ex is being very cooperative and we are getting along through it at this point. There are small under the breath verbal jabs at each other, but that's to be expected. It's due to a feeling of indifference. That's the part that lets you know that you are getting over it. At the same time, it stings a little bit because you realize all of the stuff that was between you two is pretty much dead. Beyond that, the marriage officially went over two years, so I don't feel so bad about it any more, however I feel bad about all of the "technical" cheating that I partook in.

The next thing is that fucking Bud Light commercial that my friends and I invented three years ago at the first domestic macro-brewed beer festival. It's the beernata - A pinata filled with pills, airplane bottles of booze and can beer. First of all, I realize, someone must have come up with this before we did. Nothing is truly original, but still.

Finally, I think I'm going to go to the Palo Alto Library tonight and here are the requirements for a library card. It looks like a pretty weak library considering Palo Alto Poverty is $90K a year, but whatevs, it's a library with free books to read that have been in multitudes of bathrooms and are covered with fecally tainted airborne pathogens. Note that the limit of books is "all that you carry" with a 100 book limit. Wait...What about an Internet service called Bookflix that let's you put books in your queue and then send you books that you read and send back. Negatives- shipping would be a little more and turnaround would be slower depending on the reader. Positives - no piracy. In fact, my ex-sister-in-law or supposed-to-be-ex-sister-in-law kind of did this anyway with Barnes & Noble by reading and returning books with a week or two. Shady.