Do Not Look Behind The Curtain...EVAR!

I just received the department wide email that is our call-for-entries/submissions to the annual company picnic cakewalk. I normally just mock it for being so incredibly lame, but immensely entertaining. I don't know what it is about watching half-drunk adults walk around in a circle while a live band plays Mustang Sally in the hopes of getting cake that is so great. This year I did some homework and looked up the origin of the cakewalk. I wish I hadn't.

Thanks Wikipedia. Here's the cakewalk origin. It is a traditional African American dance that was essentially a slave's chance to mock their owner by performing a funny dance in the hopes of winning some hoecake?

Regardless, of the origin, I think this year it is time to enforce the wacky dancing part of it. The people that I watch do it just kind of walk around in a circle desparately hoping for cake. Some of them probably just eat it on the way home, too, judging by their circus tent pants. It's amazing that they will walk around in a circle for cake, but rent wheelchairs at Disney World or the Diabetic Kingdom as we call it in my home with the "home" being more of an apartment and the "we" being me. Holy fuck. What if they put free cake at the back of Disney World that would only be available to those without wheelchairs or motorized assistance to heart failure devices? That could cure 20% of obesity in the United States alone right there.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. The e-mail also was signed "The Cake Diva." In all honesty, it should have been signed the "Baroness of Bingo Arm." She took a whole turkey home for leftovers after a work Thanksgiving thing while a co-worker and I watched in amazement. Like when she eats a turkey sandwich, I bet there is a whole fuckin' turkey in between two gigantuge pieces of custom made bread from the store called "Shhhhh. No One's Looking" next to the Weight Watchers in whatever strip mall she goes to.

Fuck. Now, I've got to go donate ten bucks to the United Way before I get arrested again due to some karmic indiscretion.