I was sitting here this morning thinking about how shit the last few months kinda were, but then also thought of all of the things that I've learned through the various shit. It's minor things in the big picture: DUI, Benign Tumor, Bike Stolen. That's all I've got off the top of my head. I guess it hasn't been that bad. Irregardless, I've learned some things that I thought I should share. They are just some things that I use as a rule of thumb in certain situations and you could to.
1. The best way to determine if there is metal in an object - Put it in the microwave for like 25 seconds. You'll know if there is metal in it. I was wondering if there was metal in the little clip things that come on pounds of coffee. If you want to know. Try it yourself, but don't use your own microwave. Pro tip.
2. The best way to figure out if food is really expired - Eat it. Honestly. Some people are like "Oh, just smell it." Fuck smelling something. It's like the most unreliable of all six senses. It's more subjective than a high school English teacher with a hangover. It's an aromatic opinion forged from culture. Some people might like the smell of microwaved fish. Personally, it makes me pee a little and triggers a gag reflex. Anyway, the only way you really know is to eat it and see how it feels. Oh, people will talk about salmonella or trichinosis or botulism, but fuck it. They are just fancy words for diarrhea or a stomach ache. Also, side note, great excuses to get out of work for a day. No one questions food poisoning. Plus, like extreme weather, foodborne diseases only kill the elderly.
3. The best way to find out if your girlfriend is cheating - I haven't had a girlfriend outside of my DVR in a while, but my neighbor has been talking to me about his. His situation is a little more complicated than a normal situation since she is married and is, in fact, cheating on her husband with him and then in addition cheating on him with someone else. It's like some form of exponential or compound cheating, but whatever. Not my problem.
Based on my experience, however, on every side of the cheating coin that there could possibly be, if you think that your significant other is cheating, the horse has left the stable. The fact that you even think it displays a lack of trust on your part and an overabundance of insecurity; also on your part. The first inkling of this thought, and I'm very sorry, signals that you are pointed in the wrong direction. Yeah, you can probably salvage it, but the whole idea is to be able to trust someone to the Nth degree and never have to worry about something like that. The fact that you are concerned about something like that could be a character flaw, they could be cheating on you, it could be related to something completely unrelated to either of you and instead exists in your immediate environment, but regardless, it's not in the cards. If you are thinking it, even if you're wrong, you're fucked. Pro tip.
4. Best way to migrate an organization to greener methods of commuting - They just did this where I work and it's brilliant. If you remove parking places for cars. People will no longer drive to work. Why hasn't Al Gore said anything about this. I've been on a bike for two weeks now and am selling my parking permit back. Seriously, brilliant. Just as brilliant as banning smoking in parks to curb littering. Just as brilliant as taxing cigarettes to stop people from smoking and pay for smoke related illnesses that look a lot like heart disease built on a strong foundation of fried cheesecake bites from Sonic in the chest of some fucker with bingo arm.
5. Best way to deal with drinking and driving - Don't even think. Take a cab. I went so far as to pay for a cab for a soccer teammate the other night. Then, I kinda white lied and told her that I would pick her up in the morning and drive her to her car, but really it was her fault for keeping me up until four in the morning and peer pressuring me into drinking at all. This week, I'm just going to have to go straight home after the game because I don't want to be put in that position again.
6. Best way to watch American Gladiators - With the sound off. Way better. Also, you should DVR it because of the desperate ways that they edit it to create tension. Guilty pleasure for sure because the fact that it's on primetime television is further proof that we are actually in the hand basket and it is actually in hell.
7. Best way to watch Denise Richards' reality show - Don't. Seriously. It's like smearing dog shit all over your face and then going to a surprise party for a friend from work who is in the middle of an argument with his girlfriend over money when you yell "Surprise" amidst a gang of strangers. Then, when things settle down, the cute girl next to you looks at you and goes "Did you know that your zipper's down?" and all you can come back with is "Did you know that I have dog shit on my face?" Both uncomfortable and crappy.
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