Reasons You Would Never Want To Be Me

1) I got superwasted last Sunday and ended up throwing the Chase Card down and all went mad. As I threw it down I introduced myself to one of the two bartenders. They were both named Liz and I quickly forgot both of their names, however, I introduced myself by saying "Hello. My name is J.J. and when you ask me to leave please call me by my name to make it semi-conversational because you are beautiful." So, I signed the card out with half a nice car payment on it at the end of the night with my new idol, a supertanker driver named Mick from Ireland who worked for Chevron. In a drunken stupor, I tried to relate us to each other by my knowledge of James Joyce which was super gay, but whatever. He was good people even if he was the chauffeur of global warming. Seriously, 500 thousand barrels of oil was the cargo that he spoke of. He also said that hitting a bridge would be kinda hard. Then, he told me "Jesus Christ, find an atlas brother."

2) Next, I went to the bank on campus the other day and got some quarters for laundry. I have a crush on any girl with a British accent. I think it comes from me thinking she may be able to play soccer or just that she'll watch it with me, but whatever. I walked to the teller with a twenty in my hand and handed it to her and told her I would like two rolls of quarters for a kickass Ms. Pac-Man tournament and she handed me two rolls and then said "All quarters, right?" and I said "Yeah" and then she said "There you go [Real Name]" and she used my real first name and real last name. I didn't even realize what went down until I was 30 steps out of the bank. I didn't know this girl. That was for sure. I've dealt with the drunks, but they never know my first and last name and she had seen no ID. It was really crazy. It still is.

3) Tonight. Tonight. I noticed that my neighbor was a little tipsy and listening to young country. So, I burnt him a couple of CDs. Wilco and Bright Eyes. If he was going to try and listen to what country should be, I thought I would give it to him. So, we sat and listened to the shit while we drank Gimlets. Then, some girl who I've played soccer with walked through the complex and told me that they pulled out a body of one of the apartments. How the fuck are my neighbor and I still alive in this complex? It's the second one since I've been here. So, while I sit here and question the end to the means, why are they better than me? What am I doing wrong? What's worse for them? Why are we here? What is the end to this means?

That is all. Good night.